"If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself daily and follow me. For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will save it. For what does it profit a man if he gains the whole world and loses or forfeits himself." Luke 9:23-24
This is slowly becoming my theme verse... Not because I follow this verse, but because I need to engrain it into my hard heart. As most of you know, I am moving to Japan next year to be a missionary. The more support that comes in, and the closer it get to time for me to graduate and leave, the more I want to throw in the towel. I am terrified of leaving my school and friends. I am terrified of directing choirs. I am terrified of teaching elementary music. In a few short months all of these things that I fear will be my everyday reality. Every bit of my flesh is telling me on a daily basis "Just tell them you can't do it... that you feel God calling you to stay in America and... pick up a third major. Or maybe you can tell them that you have a life threatening disease!!! Just give back all this support and go to graduate school! Live your own life. Get a job. Buy a dog ect."
Its funny how the subconscious will mess with you! Even in all my anxiety and uncertainty I find true comfort in scripture. "Deny himself daily." I naturally seek to save my life. Going to Japan just might break me in two... but I will be better for having been broken.
Its just that... being broken in two... eaten alive... and the like... doesn't settle well in my stomach : ) Good thing there is grace for all my insecurities and lack of faith.
Now that I have talked about myself enough... please remember to pray for the Japanese as they are going through a world of heartache. Many people are experiencing pain and grief beyond what any of us could ever imagine. Pray that God could provide comfort and hope during this dark time.